Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I will pee on everything he values.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
