my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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