If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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