True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Edward fifth and chaser hands
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
