How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
you will always have a special place in my vag
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
