happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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