Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
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