I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
