oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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