Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
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