We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
