new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
