After last night, I could never be a politician.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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