I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
