Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
