why didn't you poke me back
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Green mimosas i think yes
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
