soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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