I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
