I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
