he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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