Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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