I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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