her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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