Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
