i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
