why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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