And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
