Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
