I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Randomize
