WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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