She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
