THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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