i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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