I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
