Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
