I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize