I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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