I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
