did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
