4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
