coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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