There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
My vagina is officially offended.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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