i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
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