If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
