96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Randomize
