I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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