I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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