i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize