I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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