I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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