When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
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