Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
