so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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