tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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