everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
