I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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