I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
You are the jesus of drinking
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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