I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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