i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
